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Tonight when I was in the shower I came up with what I feel may be the reason my daughters are gone. I don't know why things come to me in the shower but they always do. I guess I always do my most thinking while in there. I even asked my Jim after I got out about it but he does not know if it is the reason either. I may be completely wrong or all wet! But here I go writing it down and asking any of you who may read this what you think.

   If any of you have read my story "My Angels" you will understand how I feel about my children and I leaving clues for ourselves that we were together before and will be again.

   All of my life I have been fascinated by the Catholic religion. I do not know why. I was not raised in any church and never knew much about any religion. But every time I see a Catholic Church, I have always stared and my heart would go pitter patter. When my oldest daughter, Tanya died by suicide, one of my first thoughts were "My God, Is she going to burn in hell?" Why did I even think like this? I really don't know. The first catholic person I saw, I asked this question. I needed an answer. I had bad dreams for 2 weeks after her death until one night a man came into my dream and introduced me to many people. I don't remember any thing that was said that night or any names except his but I quit having dreams. Then before Michelle died she decided our birth dates were the clues. We had never thought about this before. Why then?

   Now tonight during my shower I think I found the answer. Do I believe in reincarnation? I think so now. I feel that we spend many lives on earth to learn different lessons for our spiritual growth. I think I must have had a past life as a very strongly religious Catholic. I think I must have believed in my heart then that all people who die by suicide spend eternity in Hell. I think I must have told those who had a loved one die by suicide that this was where he or she was. In Hell burning!

   So, my children (who may also have felt this way) decided to come back to earth together to learn the truth and to learn the pain that comes with losing someone this way. This is why we left our clues, so we would know that we had been together before and would be again. We all learn something while on earth to help us grow as a spiritual person. I now feel in my heart that I have learned a lesson and will now be able to grow. My girls are now back in heaven and have grown also after being healed by their suicide. Because I do feel that this is not a good way to die and they must have been very strong to have decided to die this way before they were even born. Now I wonder what life I will choose and my children will choose next and if we will leave clues again.

10/31/99

My Anger and Church

 

 

 

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