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   Well, I'm back again. Many things have happened since I last wrote anything for my webpages. I have been off work now since 10/11/00. I filed for disability and have not had a ruling yet. I continue seeing my doctors and have seen 2 Disability Doctors. The Disability Psychologist I saw just said, yes, you are suffering from depression. Gee, who wouldn't with all this pain. The Disabilty Medical Doctor was very nice and knew a lot about the Fibromyalgia and decided I had more Trigger Points than my own doc had found. He also knew the Rheumatologist and the EP who had done my Tilt Table Test. So this doc was well informed about FMS, CFIDS and NMH.

   So now I guess I just wait until they do their ruling and if they turn me down, then I go through a Disability Attorney for the appeal. The pain has gotten much worse than the previous years. Some days I just want to hide and cry. I am not used to being in this much pain for so long at a time. I can really understand now why so many people with this, give up hope and just want to die. It is horrible the way some people make you feel. I am thankful that my mother is close and helps me with so many things. She does all my ironing, as I can't get it done. She goes with me to all my appointments to the various docs. Also my daughter-in-law is taking me to Wichita for my next Thyroid Doctor visit. My husband took me to the Disability doctor appointments. I feel so bad for those who have no help at all.

   I sometimes think about moving to a hot and dry climate. I don't know that it would help much as I know people in these places also suffer from this. The Atenolol was helping with my light-headed feelings for awhile but not so good anymore. I am having a difficult time getting my BP up and staying up. The Tylenol 3 pills are not touching the pain anymore and the Loritabs don't seem to be doing so well either. So now I am getting worried about what to take for this pain. The Thyroid doc has me on Tapazole for the hyper-thyroid. I'll be getting another blood test done this week to see if that is helping any.

   Golden Years????....Bah Humbug

   All my life, I looked forward to the day when I didn't have to work anymore. I was going to spend so much time working on my genealogy. I was planning on going places, seeing things....ha!! I guess most of that is out of the question. Now if I can just spend 1 day without pain, I feel like I will have accomplished something. I feel like I have become a whiner and a cry baby. I miss working....I miss feeling good....I miss going places and feeling independent. So far I have been diagnosed with: FMS, CFIDS, NMH, IBS, hyper-thyroid, emphysema, chronic sinusitis, carpal tunnel, arthritis in fingers, ovarian cysts, depression....gee....can they think of anything else?

  I want my life back......I want A LIFE.....I want the pain gone.....I want to be able to stand for more than 10 minutes without feeling like I'm going to faint. I want to eat without worrying about the IBS, to drink my coffee, to have some energy......and the list goes on.

Guess I'd better quit wanting and settle for just being.




My Anger and Church




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